Tricia's Blog

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Anniversarys Today

Today is my 21st wedding anniversary. It's also been 1 month to the day that I lost my soul mate, best friend, and the love of my life. I feel like a shell of a person walking and talking but not really there. Sometimes I even wonder if that life was a dream or if this life is a nightmare. I honestly feel like I can't survive without him some days but I get up. I eat at least once a day. I take a bath, check my glucose, take my shots, do the housework and the cooking that I am able to do. I have been going through all Brian's belonging. For every item that leaves the house I feel like I lose him again. I had to take the sacks of his clothes and shoes to my daughters home because I just couldn't give them away.

I may feel like I'm dying inside but only my pillows know the wracking sobs that happen at bedtime when he isn't there and I don't here his content breathing in sleep.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Brian passed on March 27 2017

I can't believe I have made it 18 days without him. I feel like I'm going through the motions of life to make everyone else think I'm ok but inside I die a little more everyday and every hour. The pain in my chest is so unbearable sometimes it bursts out in gut wrenching sobs. The craziest things can set me off. Nighttime seems to be the worst for me. I'm so tired and hurting so much I can't do anything else. I can't run from my soul pain or distract myself with cleaning, sorting, or organizing. I long to hear him breathing the sounds of contented sleep next to me so I know he is ok. I have been listening to him breath since 1995. His breathing and heart beat sounded different after his first aortic dissection and heart surgery.

I truly did not think I would survive the first 3 days. The pain in my chest and my blood pressure/heart rate were out of control. I'm not going to say the pain has lessened but I can say I am coping a bit better.

I'm working myself to exhaustion daily cleaning, sorting, and dealing with things we did as a team.

I have gone through his dresser and bagged up most of his items. It took me 3 days to take the bags from our bedroom to the back door. It took me a week to get the bags of clothes from the back door to my van. I feel like I lose a piece of him every time something of his leaves my possession.