I can't believe I have made it 18 days without him. I feel like I'm going through the motions of life to make everyone else think I'm ok but inside I die a little more everyday and every hour. The pain in my chest is so unbearable sometimes it bursts out in gut wrenching sobs. The craziest things can set me off. Nighttime seems to be the worst for me. I'm so tired and hurting so much I can't do anything else. I can't run from my soul pain or distract myself with cleaning, sorting, or organizing. I long to hear him breathing the sounds of contented sleep next to me so I know he is ok. I have been listening to him breath since 1995. His breathing and heart beat sounded different after his first aortic dissection and heart surgery.
I truly did not think I would survive the first 3 days. The pain in my chest and my blood pressure/heart rate were out of control. I'm not going to say the pain has lessened but I can say I am coping a bit better.
I'm working myself to exhaustion daily cleaning, sorting, and dealing with things we did as a team.
I have gone through his dresser and bagged up most of his items. It took me 3 days to take the bags from our bedroom to the back door. It took me a week to get the bags of clothes from the back door to my van. I feel like I lose a piece of him every time something of his leaves my possession.
No comments:
Post a Comment